Body of Christ
9.3.2024
I do spend a lot of time thinking about my feelings and trying to find an explanation for them, both for my own sake and so I can express it to others properly. I don't know if it is bordering over-intellectualization or not, but I do find a lot of comfort in understanding my feelings as much as I let myself feel them.
Tonight I had some like revelation about my place in the gay community specifically. I love being queer, but it's when I'm in a cis gay men dominated space that I'm my most self-conscious. I took a break from Tinder and Hinge for a while because I was in a weird space where I couldn't develop any relationships because I was moving to a different state soon. Then, out of boredom and loneliness I started using them a bit more before leaving Boston, and now while I'm still in New Jersey.
I realized no matter where I go there will be masc4masc, fit4fit gays. The "normal" gays, the chill, laid-back gays. All of the cis gay men that glorify one ideal body and one ideal gender presentation. It made me feel gross. I've always felt like I was in an awkward space. I'm in the awkward space between sizes, I'm an awkward height, even my gender presentation is awkward. Not a man, never a woman.
I've never felt a strong identification with my body. I'm like a little voyeur sitting inside my skull peeking through my eyeholes. I felt if anything it's only hindered me from feeling truly comfortable with my identity. Literal flesh prison. I don't hate it, I don't think it's awful or ugly by any means, there's a lot of time where I do feel like I'm inside the correct vessel. I just don't always feel like it has a place in gay spaces.
I don't have any desire to change it either though. There's this apathy I have where I don't want to attempt to approach the "ideal male figure". I have sedentery habits and while I'm "slim" I'll never be skinny in the right way. I have hips, I have a tummy, I am not toned or defined. I have a lot of body hair and a shitty hairline. I've grown to tolerate, if not like, these traits, especially since I've seen them in many other men that I've loved. I don't even like this masculine ideal myself but it feels isolating to be something wholely different.
That being said, I've found a really important connection between this and my artwork and my romance. My last partner, for better or for worse, had show me I don't value sex that much in a relationship. It was a quite weird relationship and it ended quite weirdly, and I'll spare you the details, but it taught me a lot about what I prioritize.
Sex isn't an important factor to me in forming romantic connections. You don't know how often I see dating app bios with "[top/bottom]" for compatibility and I just roll my eyes. I know all my own sexual preferences, and I could not care less how compatible they are with someone elses because I know I can still have a good time without adhering to some sort of heteronormative binary based on penetration. Sex can be so much more and can look so different between partners. I'm seeing so many barriers to forming connections with people being based on gay bodies, how they look and how they love. I think I've reached a point where I don't want to participate in any of that anymore. The frustration arises though when I've moved on from it, but most gay men are still actively participating and have no desire to really evaluate this. These cis men are still cis men at the end of the day. I would just like more of them to have a more queer understanding of their identity rather than continuously bootlicking or striving for heteronormativity or being hostile in their exclusions.
How this messy word vomit connects back to my art practice is the rejection of the body and sex. This like spiritual connection I'm trying to achieve/convey, while equally as intense as carnal desires, is fundamentally different. It's like 6AM now and the sun is coming up and I've been pondering this for 3 hrs and I still don't feel like I can properly articulate how this all makes sense and comes together, but it's clicked inside my head and that's what matters for now. Will revisit this later.
Site Update
8.5.2024
Well I made some huuuuuge changes to my site in the last week. Now that I'm not stuck at a concierge desk for 8 hrs, I feel like I have so much more energy to pursue some hobbies. I mean I was able to work on this on the clock too (and I have, a lot), but being able to do it on my own time in bed is very nice.
I'm finally at a point where I feel as though this site is presentable!!! I did hide this blog from the general public because I was feeling a bit insecure. I'm not too confident in any of my writings, and I'm used to just posting my thoughts on Insta stories that only last 24 hrs, and I knew exactly who looked at them. Now this is kinda just limited to people I share the passcode with, or people who know how to look into the sites code to see that the password is fully available to see on the front end. Or if u know the url already
I still have sooo much I want to add in terms of content, like more archival stuff and lots more photos of my own creations. Also needs more tabs. And more variation in web pages. I like the style I have going on, but why not change things up? Every page COULD be something totally different with a whole different style sheet. I want to challenge myself to be a little more creative with it, so we shall see what I get up to with the next big update!
Grad School
7.31.2024
In 1 month and 1 week I will be making my way to Michigan to begin an MFA program in metalsmithing!!! I'm so so so excited to be back in a studio after over a year. I did expect some alumni access at MassArt or a paid monitor gig but that fell through. I have lots of thoughts about that but I'll keep those to myself.
The main reason I'm pursuing an MFA is to spend a lot of deliberate time on my craft uninterrupted by whatever job I have to pay my bills. Hopefully after I graduate I'll find a solid college teaching gig. I don't think I'd want to teach like fundamental jewelry and metals classes since I kinda dread most of those processes but I would CRUSH a casting class. Or I could do some sort of fibers though I'm a little self conscious that I've had no real formal training with fibers besides an elective I eventually dropped.
I have a sketchbook I've been filling with all sorts of ideas for one-off projects or entire exhibitions. Loooots to do with Catholicism and vampires, though that's sort of the baseline for my work. I also have some neat ideas for entire costumes or rituals. There is a lot of material for me to work with when I finally have the space and time to work so I'm excited.
That being said I do dread the idea of a 12 hr car ride to move all the way to Michigan. And I kinda am nervous about any international travels the department does as I don't loooove planes. I'd rather take a 10 hr train ride than a 1 hr flight. I think it'll be really good for me to get out of my comfort zone though.
Most of all I am excited to meet my cohort! It's been a long time since I've met other artists, and knowing the departments are curated so that we are all doing different things is great. I can't wait to see what everyone else is doing!!!! I also need to weasel my way into the fibers and ceramics and maybe 4D departments too..... I'll figure it out.
Interview with the Vampire
7.31.2024
I am no writer by any means, I lack any desire to organize my thoughts and I'm sure that all I post on here will be word vomit. Nonetheless this is where I'll be sharing any thoughts I feel are important enough to put online.
I wanted to give myself a space online that's fully in my control, especially since Instagram got evil. I am very anti-AI in the art world, and the fact that they feed posts to AI is kinda gross. I jumped ship like immediately after finding that out.
My social media was more of a portfolio anyways. It was a place to share my work and get inspiration from others. There was no reason it had to be on Instagram specifically. Why not just make my own anyways? Here I have full control over how my work is consumed, with no pressure to appease algorithms or get engagement.
I didn't realize how much people may have relied on my near constant Instagram Stories to keep up with what I'm doing. I always got kind of startled when someone mentioned something I posted as if I didn't make the active decision to post it.
While my postings here will be much more deliberate, I'm really excited about what I'm up to. Learning to code has been super fun, and I plan on adding many more pages, reformatting what I do have, and making this an internet presence I can be proud of.